i just won't think about it.

i'm not sure if i should be nervous about the mammogram i'm having tomorrow. i'm just gonna go in with an open-mind and not get worried or nervous because it doesn't help. i'll more than likely get results spotting some sort of cancer soon because of my genetics. whatever. they can act like they care and are "supportive" of me when it's convenient and/or beneficial to them but fuck me for recognizing this abuse. i could give a shit less what they say about me because they clearly don't care about me.. so i don't care about them either (except joe and jay). they also only care when i act like a handicap vulnerable rehab. tool for courage kenny because it makes my family appear "supportive" when i attend that pointless excuse of a distraction because it keeps me from succeeding at MY goals because they don't benefit or appear "caring"! plus- my mom only enjoys getting attention from other people and her "caring" about where i live creates an image to idiots like her which think they're being "loving" or "supportive". you're an idiot like all them other fake morons who want me to attend courage kenny because you can't hide my achievements and what i'm doing for myself and how far i've managed to get in life WITHOUT THE HELP OF MY MOMMY OR AMANDA (WHO MY GRANDMA INSISTED WOULD HELP ME "GET TO NEW YORK!"). i'm convinced that she just doesn't care about me or her own aunt, so she's ignoring what she CLAIMED she'd help me do because i remember when my grandma first died and i spoke to amanda on the phone (when she'd actually talk to me) and she asked me what my plans were, at that time- i told her i wanted to move to new york and she said, "if that's what you wanna do- YOU GOT THIS!". so my naive ass assumed that was her way of telling me she'd actually help me... at least 10 years, close to 11 ago, i'm STILL NOT in new york... i'm still in this damn state. she's not as smart as she thinks she is. she isn't helping me because she doesn't know HOW to. she shouldn't have got my hopes up. if she wasn't up for helping her vulnerable adult of a cousin- she should've been honest. my grandma had a way of getting what she wanted done, so she would've found someone who'd ACTUALLY help me. she proved that when she found tram holloway and he actually got me outta my wheelchair like he said. if you're gonna be so stupid that you think courage kenny helped me get like this OVER listening to the ACTUAL CLIENT herself- you're more stupid than i thought you were and you have less care for me than i thought. YOU GOT THIS!